Trump picks Laura Bloomberg as Secretary of Education – The Cauldron
***Disclaimer: this is a satire piece. This article in no way reflects the views of The Cauldron and its staff. It only reflects the views of the columnist.
Newly-inaugurated President Donald Trump has selected Cleveland State University’s own President Laura Bloomberg, Ph.D., as his secretary of education. While this is huge news for the University as a whole, this choice follows a string of other controversial cabinet picks.
In this article, I will explain every one of Trump’s picks.
Secretary of Education: CSU President Laura Bloomberg
Bloomberg became CSU president in 2022 with a mission to promote inclusivity in higher ed. She previously served as the University’s provost under former President Harlan Sands. Before that, she served as the dean of the University of Minnesota’s Humphrey School of Public Affairs. Now, she will serve as Trump’s secretary of education.
So what does this decision mean for Cleveland State?
In a bold move, Trump announced his plans to rename Cleveland State “Trumpland Tate Tuniversity,” reflecting his vision for reshaping higher education across the country.
“I want Tuniversities all across America,” Trump added. “Colleges have become indoctrination centers for the woke mind virus. We need to change that.”
In other news, The Cauldron has been renamed The Trump.
Attorney General: Mr. Beast
Trump has officially selected Jimmy “Mr.” Beast, an American Youtuber, as his attorney general.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
Mr. Beast is an internet personality best known for his viral philanthropy. His projects include helping 1,000 blind people regain their sight, planting more than 20 million trees and recreating the Netflix show Squid Game – a commentary on how the wealthy exploit the poor by pitting the working class against each other for a cash prize.
“I like that, I like that a lot,” Trump said. “Not philanthropy, whatever that is. He killed 400 people. That’s really impressive.”
It is unclear whether Trump is joking or has mixed up Mr. Beast’s Squid Games video with the actual show.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Hannibal Lecter
The late, great Hannibal Lecter was picked as Trump’s secretary of housing and urban development. Despite Lecter’s violent past and lack of any real qualifications, the choice is unsurprising, considering Trump’s frequent praise of the figure.
Despite Lecter’s violent past and lack of any real qualifications, the choice is unsurprising, considering Trump’s frequent praise of the figure.
Photo Credit: Kobal Collection/Orion
“Has anyone seen “Silence of the Lambs”? Said the late, great Hannibal Lecter. He’d love to have you for dinner,” Trump said of the late, great Hannibal Lecter. “He’s a wonderful man.”
When asked why the late, great Lecter was selected for Housing and Urban Development specifically, Trump refused to comment further.
Agriculture Secretary: The Bee from the Bee Movie
Berry B. Benson’s work for honey bee rights earned him his nomination for agriculture secretary. However, Trump’s choice did cause controversy – mainly stemming from Benson’s affair with a human woman.
“That’s the ‘tolerant left’ for you,” Trump said. “The woke mind virus can’t handle a little cross-species dating. Liberal snowflakes.”
While some argue that his environmental work outweighs his personal life, others question the decision.
“He stole my wife,” said a man who wishes to stay anonymous. “What the heck man? Do not put this bee in office! Vanessa, if you’re reading this, please, I still love you! Come back! I can change!”
Defense Secretary: The Grinch who stole Christmas
Following the trend of non-human nominations, Trump has chosen the Grinch who Stole Christmas as defense secretary.
Having literally stolen Christmas, this sparked a lot of outrage. While supporters argue,
“Our president is already a convicted felon. Why does it matter if the defense secretary is?”
Those in support argue that such a heist requires strength, resourcefulness and resilience. All of which are necessary traits in leaders.
“I like him, that green man,” Trump commented. “The Gronch. I like him a lot.”
Health and Human Services Secretary: Covid-19
In an unprecedented move, Trump appointed the coronavirus itself as the health and human services secretary.
“If you want real health experience this is it,” Trump defended his decision. “You ever seen the Suicide Squad? Great bunch, really. They’re bad guys. They took the bad guys and had them fight the bad guys. It was great. We’re doing that here.”
To ensure a smooth transition for the virus, Trump is halting all production of COVID-19 vaccinations.